Today was...interesting.

I found out a couple of things that, for lack of a better word, shocked the hell out of me. One of them I'm not even going to get into, because I still don't quite know what to make of it, and because I'm expected to keep it a secret. The other...

Shin and Shuu are moving to Manhattan.

I should be happy. I should be happy for them, I should be happy that they'll be so much closer and I'll be able to see them more often. At the very least, I should be happy that everyone else is so excited about it.

But all I can think about is how I never want to set foot in that place again.

I've only been to New York City twice. The first time, my life as I knew it ended, and I've been struggling to rebuild it ever since. The second time, I flashed back so badly that I freaked out, scared my friends, and embarrassed myself.

They'll want me to visit them. I'm scared. But there's no avoiding it, either. I think a part of me knew that I'd have to go back someday. I just hope I'm strong enough to handle it.

Tonight is not going to be a good night, and I'm probably not going to get much sleep until I talk about this. But everyone is so happy right now...I don't want to bother them with this and ruin it for them.

Fortunately, I've become very adept at enduring in silence. It can wait.

( Whee! I love pointless surveys! )

I love Seiji, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. But sometimes I look at Michel and Touma, the way they look at each other, the way they talk to each other, the way they're always touching...and I wish Seiji and I could be like that.

He's different when there aren't other people around. That's the only time he actually acts like he loves me. The only time he says he loves me. But if there's anyone else around, even our closest friends, he won't say it, he won't touch me, and he blushes and gets all awkward if I touch him. Touma and Michel kiss all the time. Seiji's only kissed me in front of them once, and that was only because he knew they wanted to see it. (I still don't know what that was all about.)

Touma was talking tonight about how he likes to show Michel off. Seiji doesn't show me off. And I want to show him off, but he won't let me. Why is he so afraid to show anyone else how he feels about me?

When we go out, he doesn't hold my hand.

I know I'm not being fair...Seiji's always been very polite, and very private. He probably feels it's improper to display affection like that in public. And I know how much he loves me, because he shows it when we're alone. But I'm selfish, and I want everyone to know that this incredible man is, for some reason, in love with me.

It's probably too much to hope for.

Last night, I told Ryo about what happened to me in New York.

It took me awhile to get up the courage to do it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and it hurt. I didn't even get all the way through the story before I just fell apart. I don't cry very often, and I've never cried like that before. Ryo was holding me the whole time, and I fell asleep in his arms.

I can't even remember the last time I slept that well.

No dreams, no waking up disoriented and having to make sure I am where I think I am. I felt...calm. Calm like I did before. The kind of calm I used to recapture for a few hours by cutting patterns into my own skin. I need that calm. I've missed it.

Tonight, I was playing some ridiculous (but entirely too much fun) video game with everyone, and I realized that I've gone the whole day without thinking about it. It did cross my mind briefly, when I was talking with Michel, but other than that...usually, it invades my thoughts at least once.

He was right.

It's hard as hell, but it works.

If I've been in the dark for the past three years, then maybe this is finally sunrise...

He bought me a plush cat, because I told him I didn't have one as a kid.

He watches me when I sleep.

He even beat me at one of my favorite video games.

I have never been loved like this before. I think I'd die if I lost him now.

I must be the luckiest man on Earth...

I was thinking about what Michel told me. That talking about it will help make it better. That's probably the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me to do. So I thought that maybe putting it down in words first will make it easier when it comes time to say it out loud.

Three years. That's how long it's been since it happened. A lot has changed since then, but I still feel like it was a turning point in my life. I have good days, and I have bad days. Today was a bad day.

Last time I had a flashback was back in May, when we actually went to Manhattan. I wasn't expecting that one, even though I probably should have. Being back there made everything come flooding back at once. But other than that, I've gotten pretty good at predicting them, and halfway decent at resisting them. I still haven't figured out what, if anything, the triggers are. Sometimes, it's like they come on at random.

Flashbacks are terrifying. If you've never had one, it's impossible to understand. One minute, everything's fine, and the next, it's like it's happening all over again. Hanging on the wall of his lab. The blackouts. The wires. Korin screaming in my head. All the people he used me to kill. It feels so real that even if you know what's going on, it's easy to forget where and when you really are. And he got into my head, fed me all kinds of hallucinations so that he could control Korin through me, until I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I know flashbacks happen to other people, but I think it's worse for me because even if I know it's not real, I can never be 100% sure. Touma always knows when it's happening, and he tries to pull me back to reality, remind me where I am, and that it's over. It helps, but a little part of me always wonders...what if?

The concert is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to listening to eight hours of loud, screaming, migraine-inducing music, and I'm certainly not looking forward to the makeup I've been coerced into wearing, and those ridiculous pants I still can't figure out how to walk properly in. But in some weird way, I'm actually looking forward to going. It'll be nice to get out with Touma and Michel, and Ryo. Especially Ryo. He's so excited about it that even if it's not my thing, it'll be worth it to see him enjoying himself.

Who knows? This might actually be fun. If I survive. -_-

Everyone went to Walmart today, and when we got back, Michel told me that the girls on the bus had been looking at me, and thought I was "adorable." I was stunned...I'm not the kind of person that people notice. I've never paid all that much attention to the way I look. My hair is all over the place, and I never know what to wear. Nine times out of ten, I just throw on jeans and a t-shirt, because I feel weird in anything else.

I'm definitely not attractive the way the other guys are attractive. Seiji is amazing. He could be a model if he wanted to. He always looks so put-together, but he can be gorgeous without doing anything. Yesterday, we talked him into not doing his hair, and he looked even better than when he spends a lot of time on it. He had it up and out of his face for once, and he looked unbelievable. I have no idea how I managed to keep my hands off him for the rest of the afternoon. Touma is vibrant and unique and so incredibly smart and funny. Even Michel...he's so graceful and ethereal, he looks like something from out of this world. No wonder Touma fell for him. And me? I'm just...me. I've never thought I was anything special, especially compared to my friends. Part of me is convinced Michel was mistaken today. Those girls must have been looking at Seiji, because girls always look at Seiji.

Although...it does feel kind of nice to believe him.

Nineteen...has not started out well. Shin and Shuu came to visit, and we all went on vacation with Misha and Michel to celebrate my birthday. That was fun. Then we got back, and everything fell apart.

Suffice to say, our little trio or whatever the fuck you want to call it isn't a trio anymore. I should have seen it coming. I shouldn't have believed them when they said there was nothing going on between them. I should have known it when Michel spent the last week of camp bawling and Touma started acting weird.

Should have won't help me now. It happened, and he's gone.

I knew he was special the minute I met him. You wouldn't think when you meet him that he's a genius, but it comes out when he fights. During the war, he was the best of us. Through chance or destiny or the will of the Ancient, I somehow got saddled with the position of leader. It should have been Touma. He was the only one of us our enemies truly feared. He was the only reason I survived. Time after time, I would fuck up and he would fix it. In the end, when the other three were captured and it was just the two of us...we wouldn't have made it if it weren't for him. It would have ended right there.

It wasn't until after the fighting stopped that I realized what my appreciation for him had turned into. I didn't pursue him. I'm a coward. He hooked up with Seiji, and I thought that was it. There was no way I could stand a chance against him.

Then Touma got this idea...one of those completely insane ideas that only Touma gets...

I don't know which was harder; sharing them, or being shared. And I always felt like the third wheel...that they loved each other more, and they were only including me so that I wouldn't feel left out. But still, having them both seemed like it was too good to be true.

And I guess it was.

I miss them. Part of me wants to hate them both, and part of me thinks that I can be happy again if I go back to being just friends with Touma, and keep being friends with Michel. I don't know if I cam listen to either. I don't know if I could handle seeing them together, as a couple.

Seiji has been my rock through all this. God knows he's used to seeing me an emotional wreck, but this time...I'm amazed as how supportive he can be of other people's feelings when he stops running from his own. And I'm so grateful that he's been able to step up and do that for me. Maybe...with him...I'll actually be able to get through this.

It's done.

For better or worse, it's done.

I did it for you. I love you.

But I still hope like hell that I did the right thing.

Fuck it. Fuck everything. I don't care anymore. I'm not going to care because caring hurts too badly....